Time for the Big One

It's time to plug another of those gaps in the Frontier Archives and tackle probably the most famous of bearish actors - James Gandolfini.

James Gandolfini is in some ways the greatest example of what this blog wasn't about.  Don't get me wrong, he is most definitely one of the sexiest guys to walk the earth but there is also no other chubby bear actor with such a devout bear following.  I am bringing absolutely nothing new to the party.  There will not be a single reader of this blog who will look at this and go "Hey - I've never seen him before - he's kinda hot!".  And that is testament to his supreme fuckability.  I'm sure he takes a lot of pride in the fact that he is regularly masturbated about by men.  I know I take a lot of pride in the same thing.  Really?  You couldn't let me pretend that was true for, like, a second?  You bitches.

Anyway, Mr Gandolfini doesn't inhabit the Frontier, he is well and truly Bear Royalty.  However, as explained before, now that this blog has run waaaaayyy longer than anyone actually expected, it feels odd missing out the biggies.  I have had the hots for Gandolfini (jesus that's a pain to keep writing - couldn't he have had a surname like 'Bay' or 'Evans' or something?) for a very long time, and to be fair, he was in the frontier when I first noticed him.

I mentioned before that I adore my fiance, Richard Riehle, and have done so for many a year.  I know that his first breakthrough role was in 'Glory' but I am not sure if that is what I first saw him in.  It might have been  'Fried Green Tomatoes' or 'Star Trek'.  It all just blurs into one big moustachiosed smush of loveliness.  To a large degree, it's the same with Wilford Brimley although I suspect 'Cocoon' was my introduction to him.  Although it might have been 'Battle for Endor'.  Yes.  Yes I saw that film.  But with Mr Gandolfini, I know exactly when I first noticed him.

It was in the film 'Fallen'.  Denzel Washington played a handsome cop who used his handsomeness to solve the case of a serial killer, who as it turns out (spoliers) is actually a fallen angel that travels from body to body to kill.  JG plays a weaselly fellow cop with a glorious handlebar 'tache.  I fell in love immediately.  Then, i next saw him in 8MM where he sported a goatee and awesome sideburns and the deal was cemented for me.  Needless to say, his ass looked great in that film.  Obviously, at this point he started playing Tony Soprano and everyone in the world suddenly knew him.  I never really watched 'The Sopranos' as I can't fucking stand any kind of mafia story (the only one I liked was 'Goodfellas' as it clearly showed them as fucking scum).  He also seems to get better looking with age in a way that no-one else quite does.  I know that at the time Sopranos first aired, I thought he was fucking gorgeous.  But if I catch a season one episode on some channel now, he looks too young.  He looks like he hasn't finished becoming sexy yet.  He improves so much with age that it obliterates what I thought was sexy about him a few years ago.  That being said, he's not perfect.  He is incredibly handsome and is probably the best example of a man look great with and without a beard but there is one wee flaw.  His voice.  In small doses it's fine.  If you have seen 'In the Loop', you'll know that he looked smoking hot in the Army uniform and that he played the part in a rather cute way.  But he was only in the film sporadically.  20 mins of something like the Sopranos has me reaching for earmuffs.  You know, if you have been with your partner for a long time, certain little things grate start to grate on you.  Maybe it's the sound they make when eating cake or breathing loudly through their nose when watching TV.  Or maybe its when they come into the bathroom and take a shit when you are relaxing in the bath.  Little subtle things that never used to bother you but after a good long time start to get on your tits.  That's how I feel JG's voice would be if you lived with him.  But it's a tiny imperfection and when a man looks that good, you can put up with that.  Hell, I'd put up with him not only coming into the toilet for a poop whilst I was in the bath but actually pooping in the bath.  Well, maybe not but still......he could pee on me if he wanted to.

James Gandolfini tries to horn in on Hugh Laurie's fan base

James Gandolfini in the new hit film 'Fifty Shades of Brown'

"You think you can criticize me cos I make Snuff movies?  That billboard up there says you made Ghost Rider 2, you sick bastard"

I am shocked and appalled.  Everyone knows it is good etiquette to give the finger with your right hand.

"So what are you saying?  Is it my voice?  It's my voice isn't it?  Dammit.  Oil Oil Oil Duke of Oil Oil Oil"

Team Walter

Have you ever heard the term 'Mary Sue'?  More than likely it was the name of a girl you went to school with.  If you went to school in Pleasantville.  The 'Mary Sue' that I am referring to is a literary term and criticism.  Trying to pinpoint how you would define what a Mary Sue is a little harder than I initially thought.  Essentially a Mary Sue character in a book is usually the protagonist and strangely like the author.  Like the author but missing many key things.  Things like flaws.  It's an idealized version of the author or a ringer for the author that allows them to play out a wish-fulfillment fantasy.  Apparently there are male equivalents such as 'Gary Stu' but fuck that  - they are all Mary Sue characters (or Canon Sue).

Not surprisingly, the internet has a lot to do with the explosion in the term of Mary Sue as it originated from fan fiction.  Like all those stories I write about me being sexually molested by Tony Soprano and I am all innocent and muscular and funny and have intriguing back tattoos (the reality is that I don't have tattoos on my back).  But it has started to make its way onto actual bookshelves now.  Probably the most famous case is that of Stephanie Meyer and her fuck awful Twilight books.  Bella (which is Italian for plywood) is attractive and clever and deep and the most handsome-est, keenest, wonderful-est, sparkliest vampire ever falls head over heels in love with her.  Bella is Stephanie's Mary Sue.  A male example is likely to be Steig Larsson and his Girl Books (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Girl who Kicked the Hornet's nest, Girl who went to Fart but Ended Up Shitting all over the Display Couch in Ikea).  His protagonist is irresistibly sexy to women, incredibly smart, shares similar job to the author.  An unless you have been living in a cave, you will have heard mention of the Fifty Shades of (Grey, Freedom, Shite) trilogy.  Which actually started life as a fan fiction of Twilight so that the author could flick herself off to tales of Edward & Bella rimming each other's arseholes.  The names then changed and the vampire became a S&M freak and there you have a best selling author indulging their best wank fantasies.  I should point out that writing a Mary Sue character does not mean that the books are badly written in any way.


Which brings me to this week's loveliness, who was brought to my attention by the lovely Federico.  Walter Siti is an Italian novelist, essayist and literary critic.  I will admit right now that I have never read one of his books.  But since he is so cute, I am going to put a stake in the ground and say that they are fucking amazing.  Apparently a good number of his books are about a an older professor (Siti was indeed a lecturer at universities) who falls for young muscular men, is super generous to a fault and gets nothing in return.  And there is lots of sex.  Which I actually consider getting something in return personally.  So a little 'Mary Sue' but who the fuck cares?  Books about hot older guys fucking?  Why hasn't Peter Jackson made these into big budget films?  Fuck Hobbits.  As the books are in Italian, I am unlikely to be reading them anytime soon but I will wait for the graphic novel version.  In fact, I am willing to draw the graphic novel versions - I just need Walter to come over and help me for some body reference

I have attached a wee clip of him chatting away in an interview.  The particular reason I chose this clip is that it has the most dramatic and urgent music I have heard in a show interviewing a guy about his books.  The tone of the woman's voice and the high impact music make it sound like it's a hard hitting expose on drugs.  And he looks as cute as a button in it too.

Walter Siti audtions for the Italian 'Quaker Oats' commercials

A penis / handjob mime joke here would be too easy

"My waistcoat brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "It's better than yours" "

"So in my new book, an old professor has sex with fifteen different muscular men whilst discovering the cure for cancer"

Walter Siti is psychically transmitting himself into your masturbation fantasies.  Go write a book about them.

To Lay the King

If any of you have ever stopped by my art website, it will come as no surprise that I have a thing for Victorian and Edwardian men.  Also - thanks, you must have been really bored.   So occasionally a man from a bygone era may wander his way into this blog and then find himself unable to leave as I chain him to my sling.

What may come as more of a surprise is that not only does this week's man come from Edwardian times, he is royalty.  I am not a monarchist myself so even I am a little shocked about this entry.  If you were hoping for lots of insightful historical facts about the British Monarchy, I'm afraid all you will find here are crude sexual comments and outright lies.  As such, I avoided putting this entry on during the Jubilee celebrations lest I received lots of outraged emails from Royalist supporters who Google brought here by mistake.

King Edward VII is quite possibly the only fuckable member of the British Royal family to have ever existed.  I know that Princess Margaret, in her youth, was an attractive woman but the men of the family have consisted of a carnival freak-show parade of ugly.  Charles, Edward, Andrew - each one more genetically malformed than the previous.  No, we need to go back quite a few years to when the gene pool was not quite so, ahem, intermingled.  King Edward VII (I'm just going to type KEVII from now on) was a big, bearish fuck pig of a man.  Even if you think he is just ok, he's a fucking king.  You would fuck him and you know it.  Other than the fact that he was a hot bear and that he was a gambler, I have no other research to offer you.  I'm afraid I spent all those hours when I was looking him up online, photoshopping his face onto bear sex pics from Daddyswap and masturbating.  And I think that is actually a far more productive way to spend my time.

When I went to Canada a few years ago, I stayed in the King Edward hotel in Toronto.  As you entered through the main door into the lobby, you were greeted by a large painting of KEVII.  I had no knowledge of what he looked like up until this point but the image was burned onto my brain.  Unfortunately, I had to find another hotel to spend my visit as I was asked to leave after being caught licking the picture and wanking.  A big, bearded man in leather thigh boots?  What else was I meant to do?  The brief visit to the hotel left an indelible mark on me, and I left a mark, a cum stain to be exact, on the hotel.

It's there, just above his right ankle.

Leather boots in some pictures.  Kilts in others.  This man predicted the entire bear scene fashion trends.  I will wait for the pictures of him wearing plaid lesbian lumberjack shirts.

"And Ye Shall Know Me as King Edward...The Fabulous!"

Ok, so not all his looks translated to the bear scene but I think RuPaul has that same top

His Royal Cake Making outfit

King Edward "The Peacemaker".  Except to Bambi's family

That long coat is covering up an entire leather gimp outfit