Portrait of the Artist as a Hot Daddy bear

I know that the impression most people have of me is that the only books I read have lots of pictures and have phrases such as 'The Incredible...' or 'The Uncanny...' in the title.  I also know that I probably give the impression that the only artwork I know about contains inexplicable amounts of penis and ass action.  Both these impressions aren't entirely true.  It would be foolish of me to outright deny them, but I do enjoy more sophisticated forms of art now and then.  I got culture coming oot me arse.  

A lot of artists look like that area between your ballsack and your arse (It’s scientific name is ‘Tornado Alley’).  I'm mainly thinking of Andy Warhol here.  Vincent Van Gogh looked fairly normal but not really that hot if we are honest - even though he could totally rock that sexy 'missing the lobe of my ear' look.  But there is one very famous artist who is worth having a look at.  One who should have been posing naked for other artists but for some inexplicable reason never did.  Prude.

Claude Monet is not only one of the most influential artists of all time (only narrowly surpassed by Picasso, Van Gogh, Myself and Rolf Harris), but he was a hawt daddy bear as well.  I apologise for the use of the word 'hawt'.  It will not happen again.  Now I very much approve of the big bushy beard but I particularly like that he kept his hair short.  I'm not a fan of long hair on a guy if I am honest.  Some folk can carry it off but most look fairly awful.  If you love long hair - or have it - then good on you.  We all have our opinions.  It's just that I am right.  Especially if we are talking pony-tails.  I tend to believe the old adage that ponytails are the same on men as they are on ponies - lift one up and there is an arsehole underneath.  

All the people I know with ponytails are going to kick the shit out of me now.

Anyway, Claude has one of those beards that would look best with several loads of jizz scattered about it - possibly arranged as a tribute to his 'Water Lillies'.  The best of it is, his vision was so poor you could have pretended to be anyone to get him into bed and he wouldn't know until it was too late.  By 'too late' I mean, until he was tied naked to bed with a gag in his mouth and his ballsack covered in chocolate paint.  I do have a flair for the artistic.